Grandma

Visited my maternal grandma recently. She seems so frail and shriveled up now, a far cry from the Grandma who used to hit me and hurl me out of the house years ago when I was naughty. She used to be so fierce and fiery, I guess old age mellows even the worst of tempers. At least she is more reasonable and forgiving to the people around her. Unfortunately her memory seems to have gone down the drain...she barely remembers things nowadays, especially those memories that are trivial or too recent for her to recall. Lucky for me she remembers me. From curses and beatings to lectures and more lectures I did not have much good memories of her.

But seeing her so weak and happy to see me after all these years made me feel sad. Though it was amusing to see her forget that she has eaten lunch but still remember that 'face is everything!' That I must always remember my illustrious roots and have the inner strength to work hard and attain high 'social status'.

She was a lady of determination, to ensure her family's survival she worked hard and demanded much from her children. Its no wonder that she wanted to discipline me so badly when I constantly misbehaved during my youth. She always said that the most important thing in life is the impression you project to others, that we should always strive to keep up appearances. There is truth in her words, that regardless of character, people do tend to rely on their 1st impressions to judge others. However, to have your life revolve around keeping appearances can be taxing and unrewarding.

To have 'face' to 'save face' to always fear that others might think little of you can transform a perfectly normal person into a neurotic. At least that is what I initially thought but my grandma feeds on praise and niceties from the mouths of others. It has been a double edged sword for without her determination to be seen as a capable person, she may not live to the ripe old age of 94; on the other hand, she may have been overly generous to sweet talkers over the years who in my opinion don't deserve the gifts they received from her.

After so many years, it feels good to finally reconcile with her, to see her begin to realize her past mistakes and try to make up for it while struggling with dementia and old age gives me hope that perhaps I too can strive to be a better person.